> > >> Results of a recent research study show that there
> >>>> are now 7 kinds of sex.
> > >>
> > >> The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex
> > >> happens when you first meet someone
>>>>> and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
> > >>
> > >> The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is
>>>>> when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are
>>>>> so needy you will have sex anywhere,
> > >> even in the kitchen.
> > >>
> > >> The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is
>>>>> when you have been with your partner for a long time.
>>>>> Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have
> > >> sex only in your bedroom.
> > >>
> > > > The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
> > >> This is when you have been with your partner far too
>>>>> long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
> > >> both say 'screw you.'
> > >>
> > >> The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
> > >> Which means you get nun in the morning, nun in the
>>>>> afternoon and nun at night. (Very Popular)
> > >>
> > >> The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot
> > >> stand your wife any more. She takes you
>>>>> to court and screws you in front of everyone.
> > >>
> > >> And; Last, but not least,
> > >>
> > >> The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
>>>>> You get a little each month, But not enough to enjoy your self.
> > >>
> > >> PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE
> >>> IN. I have enough problems of my own.
Showing posts with label Funny Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny Jokes. Show all posts
Friday, September 12, 2008
Friday, September 05, 2008
Another Joke
INSTALLING A HUSBAND
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as · Romance 9.5 and · Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as · NBA 5.0, · NFL 3.0 and · Golf Clubs 4.1.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE, First, keep in mind, · Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while · Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. · If that application works as designe d, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. **** Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Gas and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Best Wishes Babe! Tech Support
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as · Romance 9.5 and · Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as · NBA 5.0, · NFL 3.0 and · Golf Clubs 4.1.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE, First, keep in mind, · Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while · Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. · If that application works as designe d, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. **** Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Gas and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Best Wishes Babe! Tech Support
Joke: NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
A friend of mine sent this and I thought it was hilarious.
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ; resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person.”
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember to take out the garbage, your birthday, anniversary, or to lift the toilet seat
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ; resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person.”
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember to take out the garbage, your birthday, anniversary, or to lift the toilet seat
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Thought you guys could use a laugh...
A co-worker of mine sent this joke to me yesterday and I just found it super funny. So here it is...
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I had to share this with you guys...
I received this email a few weeks back and I just had to share it with you guys. It's all pictures, so I hope you enjoy them.
When the logo does not come out as intended
Suppose to be the letter K...
I probably wouldn't take my kid there.
The Dr. says, "open up and say ahhh"
The computer techs must be whiz kids.
Is he choking her too?
Hope you had a good laugh. :)
When the logo does not come out as intended
Suppose to be the letter K...
I probably wouldn't take my kid there.
The Dr. says, "open up and say ahhh"
The computer techs must be whiz kids.
Is he choking her too?
Hope you had a good laugh. :)
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