Another Joke

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as · Romance 9.5 and · Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as · NBA 5.0, · NFL 3.0 and · Golf Clubs 4.1.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE, First, keep in mind, · Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while · Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. · If that application works as designe d, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. **** Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Gas and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.


Best Wishes Babe! Tech Support

Joke: NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

A friend of mine sent this and I thought it was hilarious.


NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ; resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person.”

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember to take out the garbage, your birthday, anniversary, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

Thought you guys could use a laugh...

A co-worker of mine sent this joke to me yesterday and I just found it super funny. So here it is...

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

I had to share this with you guys...

I received this email a few weeks back and I just had to share it with you guys. It's all pictures, so I hope you enjoy them.

When the logo does not come out as intended



Suppose to be the letter K...



I probably wouldn't take my kid there.


The Dr. says, "open up and say ahhh"


The computer techs must be whiz kids.


Is he choking her too?

Hope you had a good laugh. :)

How to Shower...

I received this email last week and thought it was hilarious, so I wanted to share it with all of you.

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
*Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
*Look at your womanly physique in the mirror.
* Make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
*Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
*Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
*Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
*Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
*Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for10 minutes until red.
*Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffacake body wash.
*Rinse conditioner off hair.
*Shave armpits and legs.
*Turn off shower.
*Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
*Spray mold spots with Tilex.
*Get out of shower.
*Dry with towel the size of a small country.
*Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
*Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
*Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
*Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.
*Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
*Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
*Get in the shower.
*Wash your face.
*Wash your armpits.
*Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
*Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
*Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
*Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
*Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
*Pee.
*Rinse off and get out of shower.
*Partially dry off.
*Fail to notice water on floor because the curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
*Admire wiener size in mirror again.
*Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
*Return to bedroom with towel around waist .
*If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
*Throw wet towel on her pillow.

Just a few jokes to make you laugh...

I totally love jokes, so I thought I would share some with you guys (all courtesy of igoogle). Enjoy!

A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy." Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

The Stupid Nomad
A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can''t stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have sex with the donkey. He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated. As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, ''''I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have." ''''Anything?'''' he says, getting fairly excited. ''''Yes, anything.'''' she replies. So he says, ''''Will you hold the donkey!?''''

Dog w/o Wheels
Where do you find a dog with no legs?Where you left it.